Are You the Family Favorite? How Parental Preference Impacts Mental Health
We all want to believe parents love their kids equally, right? It’s a comforting idea, like something out of a family sitcom. But in reality, things get a bit messier. Some kids might feel like the golden child, while others sense they’re playing second fiddle. A fascinating study from Brigham Young University, published in Psychological Bulletin, dives into this, pulling from 44 studies to reveal who tends to be the family favorite and how it shapes mental health. Spoiler: it’s often the youngest, and the effects ripple into adulthood. Let’s explore why this happens, what it means for kids, and how it ties to emotional well-being.
The Last-Born Advantage: Why Youngest Kids Shine
Picture a family with three kids. The oldest is off doing homework, the middle’s keeping the peace, and the youngest is charming everyone with a goofy dance. Guess who’s getting the most hugs? According to the Brigham Young University study, last-born kids are often the favorites. They get more attention, warmth, and a sense of security compared to their older siblings. It’s not that parents don’t love all their kids; it’s just that the baby of the family tends to soak up a bit more of the spotlight.
Why is this? In my years as a psychology professor, I’ve seen how birth order shapes family dynamics. Younger kids often get coddled longer, while older siblings are pushed toward independence earlier. The study backs this up, noting that parents may see the youngest as more vulnerable, so they pour on the affection. Older kids, meanwhile, might be expected to “grow up” faster, getting less emotional support over time. There’s also a slight edge for girls, who may benefit from being seen as less “difficult” or more nurturing, though this difference is small.
The Emotional Ripple Effect
Being the favorite isn’t just about getting extra cookies—it has real consequences for mental health. The study found that “favorite” kids often grow up with higher self-esteem, better career success, and stronger social relationships. That extra dose of parental warmth seems to build a foundation of confidence that carries into adulthood. I’ve seen this in my practice: clients who felt cherished by their parents often describe a sense of security that helps them take risks, like pursuing a dream job or building friendships.
But what about the kids who aren’t the favorite? The impact can sting. The research shows that perceived favoritism can lead to emotional wounds, especially if a child feels overlooked or less valued. This isn’t just sibling rivalry; it’s about unmet needs for recognition and love. A 2019 study in Journal of Family Psychology found that children who feel less favored are more likely to struggle with anxiety, low self-worth, or strained family ties later in life. I’ve counseled adults who still carry the hurt of feeling “less than” compared to a sibling, and it can take years to unpack.
Why Favoritism Happens
So, why do parents play favorites, even unintentionally? It’s not always about love—it’s about circumstances. The Brigham study points to a few factors. Last-borns often get more attention because they’re the “baby” longer, especially in busy households. Parents might also relate more to kids who share their personality or interests, creating a natural bias. For example, a chatty parent might vibe more with a talkative daughter than a quiet son. Cultural factors play a role too—some societies value certain traits, like being the youngest or a girl, which can subtly shape affection.
In my work, I’ve seen how stress or life changes amplify this. A parent juggling a demanding job might lean on the “easy” child for emotional relief, unintentionally sidelining others. It’s not malicious; it’s human. But the effects are real, especially for kids who feel they have to compete for love. This can plant seeds of resentment or self-doubt that linger into adulthood.
The Mental Health Connection
Favoritism doesn’t just affect childhood—it shapes mental health for years. Kids who feel favored often develop a stronger sense of self, which the American Psychological Association links to lower rates of depression and better stress resilience. They’re more likely to take on challenges with confidence, knowing they’ve got a parental cheerleader in their corner. But for those who feel overlooked, the story’s different. They might internalize a sense of “not being enough,” which can fuel anxiety or insecurity.
I’ve worked with clients who trace their struggles with self-worth back to childhood favoritism. One woman shared, “My brother was the star, and I was just there. I still feel like I have to prove myself.” These feelings can manifest as perfectionism, people-pleasing, or even avoidance of close relationships. The good news? Awareness and support, like therapy or open family conversations, can help heal these wounds and rebuild confidence.
How Parents Can Balance the Love
If you’re a parent reading this, don’t panic. You don’t have to treat every child identically—that’s impossible. Instead, focus on making each child feel uniquely valued. The Brigham study suggests that small, intentional acts, like praising a child’s specific strengths or spending one-on-one time, can go a long way. I often tell parents to think of love like a pie: every kid needs their own slice, tailored to who they are.
For example, if your youngest loves attention, give them that, but also carve out time for your older kids’ quieter moments. Ask about their interests, validate their feelings, and avoid comparisons. A 2020 study in Child Development found that when parents actively acknowledge each child’s individuality, it reduces sibling rivalry and boosts mental health for everyone.
What If You Weren’t the Favorite?
If you grew up feeling less favored, it’s not too late to work through it. Reflect on how those dynamics shaped you—journaling can help. Therapy is also a powerful tool; I’ve seen clients find peace by unpacking childhood experiences and building new sources of validation. Surround yourself with people who see your worth, whether it’s friends, mentors, or a partner. And practice self-compassion. You don’t need to prove you’re enough—you already are.
For siblings, talking openly can help. One client told me that confronting her sister about feeling overlooked led to a deeper bond. It wasn’t about blame but understanding each other’s perspectives. These conversations aren’t easy, but they can mend old hurts and strengthen mental well-being.
Final Thoughts
Parental favoritism, whether it’s toward the youngest or someone else, isn’t just a family quirk—it shapes mental health in profound ways. The Brigham study reminds us that feeling loved and valued as a child sets the tone for confidence and resilience in adulthood. If you’re a parent, strive to make every child feel special in their own way. If you’re carrying the weight of being “less favored,” know that your worth isn’t tied to childhood dynamics. With awareness and effort, you can rewrite your story and build a life full of connection and self-love.
FAQs
Q: Why are youngest kids often the favorite?
A: They get more attention and warmth as the “baby,” while older siblings are pushed toward independence.
Q: Does favoritism affect mental health?
A: Yes, feeling less favored can lead to anxiety or low self-esteem, while being favored boosts confidence.
Q: Can parents avoid favoritism?
A: Not entirely, but they can make each child feel uniquely valued with tailored attention and praise.
Q: How do I heal from feeling less favored?
A: Reflect, seek therapy, and build supportive relationships to boost self-worth and mental health.
Q: Can siblings talk about favoritism?
A: Yes, open conversations can clarify feelings and strengthen bonds, reducing emotional strain.
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