Forgiveness After Being Hurt: Why It Is Not Always the Only Healthy Option
Forgiveness is often celebrated as a powerful act of healing. However, when someone has deeply hurt us, the path to forgiveness is not always straightforward. While forgiving can provide emotional relief and personal growth, it is crucial to understand that forgiveness is not the only healthy response to emotional wounds.
Many individuals, whether close loved ones or strangers, may hurt us – sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally. Their actions may stem from their own trauma, low self-esteem, communication issues, or impulsivity. Recognizing these underlying causes does not automatically mean we must forgive.
Understanding Forgiveness Beyond Tradition
Psychiatrist Sarah Kuburic offers a nuanced view of forgiveness. She explains that while understanding why someone hurt you can bring clarity, it does not obligate you to offer forgiveness.
In a recent Instagram post, Kuburic noted:
“You can understand why someone has hurt you—maybe they were triggered by something or struggling to break a toxic cycle—and yet still choose not to give them a second chance.”
Forgiveness and understanding are two separate concepts. You can acknowledge someone’s struggles without minimizing the impact of their actions on your well-being.
Is Forgiveness Always Necessary?
Traditional views often present forgiveness as the ultimate goal for emotional healing. However, forgiveness ideally requires:
- Acknowledgment of harm by the perpetrator
- Taking responsibility for the behavior
- Genuine efforts toward reconciliation
According to Verwell Mind, forgiveness is most meaningful when both parties are actively involved. But if the person responsible refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing, is it still healthy—or even necessary—to forgive?
The answer is complex. Forcing yourself to forgive can sometimes cause more harm than healing.
The Hidden Risks of Forced Forgiveness
Psychologists caution that pressuring oneself to forgive before feeling ready can intensify emotional wounds rather than heal them. As Psychology Today highlights:
“Believing that forgiveness is the only acceptable way to heal can lead to guilt and shame if genuine forgiveness does not come naturally.”
When we push ourselves toward forgiveness prematurely, we risk invalidating our emotions. Instead of feeling liberated, we may feel guilt-ridden, confused, and emotionally exhausted.
Alternative Paths to Healing Without Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be a powerful tool for some – but it is not the only path to peace. Healing can also come from:
- Setting healthy boundaries with those who have hurt you
- Accepting the pain without justifying the harm
- Learning from the experience and building emotional resilience
- Choosing growth and moving forward without reconnecting with the offender
In some cases, not forgiving but still releasing anger and resentment can be an act of self-respect and empowerment.
Sarah Kuburic wisely notes that understanding the cause of someone’s harmful behavior is enough; you are not required to excuse, condone, or reconcile with them.
Final Thoughts
Forgiveness is a deeply personal choice, not a universal requirement for healing. Sometimes, recognizing the hurt, setting boundaries, and moving forward without offering forgiveness is the healthiest path.
If you find yourself struggling with forgiveness, know that healing is still possible. Growth often lies not in forgetting or excusing the harm but in reclaiming your emotional freedom and learning to prioritize your own well-being.
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