These unconscious reasons make you stay in a relationship that doesn’t suit you

“We knew each other, we recognized each other; we lost sight of each other, we lost sight of each other again,” sang Jeanne Moreau in The whirlwind of life. Maybe you’ve already experienced it. Otherwise, imagine. At first, he charms you, thrills you, and everything suggests that he is the love of your life.

But a few weeks later, he responds to your messages with less enthusiasm, takes no initiative, doesn’t confide, seems distant… And then one day, again: he comes back as if he had never left. Until the next disappearance. You feel like you’ve tried everything, yet nothing changes. Even if, deep down, you know perfectly well that you have to leave, you doubt and even risk finding excuses for him. Obviously, you are desperately clinging to the relationship. But why? A therapist and best-selling author became interested in the question.

80% of divorced women are happier

This pattern has become almost classic in our time. We see it more than ever: everyone has a tendency to lie to themselves when it comes to love. But this phenomenon particularly affects women: 80% of them say they are happier after their divorce, according to an American study. But with this striking figure, only one question torments us: why do they stay if they are unhappy as a couple?

Our existence is punctuated by separations. But if breakups are also part of our lives, taking the chance is not an easy thing to do. Not so surprising in an era where the social ideal is that one should “succeed” in their relationship in the same way as their career or a competition. Paradoxically, insecurities reinforce attachment. Basically, there is no doubt: the relationship is not healthy nor the one that suits us.

10 reasons why we stay despite everything

How can we leave when everything urges us to stay? “Understanding why you stay can help you make a decision about relationships that aren’t right for you,” says therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab. The author of the bestseller Set Boundaries, Find Peacehas just published its new guide to help couples and families heal their relationships. His work, Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationshipsaims to identify dysfunctional family patterns and choose the best path to break the cycle. Among the advice provided, Nedra Glover Tawwab reveals the 10 most common reasons why partners stay even when they are not happy:

• You wait for the “good times” to come back
• You hope it will change
• You can’t imagine your life without him
• You do not have the financial means to leave
• You think loyalty means staying no matter what
• You don’t think he can manage without you
• You are afraid of making a bad decision
• You wait for him to end the relationship
• You don’t want to hurt other people who might be affected
• You are not “tired” enough of the relationship

More generally, other reasons may prevent us from taking the plunge. The breakup signals the failure or the end of a hope, that of the illusion of the ideal couple.