Gaslighting can ruin the holiday season. Here’s how to recognize it and avoid it
Family celebrations, which are often associated with moments of sharing and laughter, can also be accompanied by more sneaky behaviors like gaslighting. This subtle form of emotional manipulation causes the victim to doubt their memories, their perceptions, and sometimes even their own reality.
Such a situation is even more painful when it happens in your family. How can we recognize and deal with these behaviors to have a more peaceful vacation? Psychoanalyst Robin Stern’s response Washington Post,
What is family gaslighting?
Gaslighting manifests itself through comments or attitudes that question your reality, often in an insidious way. For example, a parent may criticize your life choices under the pretext of “helping you be better”: “If you listened to my advice, your life would be a lot easier. »
Or, seemingly kind comments may hide judgment: “Maybe you should meet someone to learn to manage your relationships better. »These messages create a feeling of insecurity and doubt.
Why does this phenomenon arise during holidays?
Family references, full of stories and complex dynamics, are often conducive to gaslighting, especially at parties. Several factors can trigger these behaviors:
- Disagreement: Lively discussions sometimes reveal the need for a family member to impose his or her vision as the only truth.
- Disappointments: A loved one disappointed with your choices may try to make you feel guilty: “If you had followed my advice, we wouldn’t be here. ,
- Family hierarchy: Elders, feeling their authority challenged, may resort to manipulation to reassert their control.
- Cultural expectations: In some families, loyalty to traditions can excuse you from accepting toxic behavior.
Recognize the signs and set boundaries
Although you can’t control the actions of others, you can choose how to respond to them. Recognize the behaviors that make you doubt yourself. It’s important to be aware if a comment seems inappropriate or makes you uncomfortable.
Learn to say no or redirect when a conversation becomes oppressive. A simple sentence such as: “I don’t want to talk about this right now” may suffice.
cultivate compassion and protect yourself
Try to understand the motivations behind the gaslighter’s behavior without excusing his or her actions. This may help you defuse the situation.
Give yourself a few moments of respite, even if it means distancing yourself if the discussions become too much.