Are you constantly going back to your ex? Maybe this is why

When the breakup happens, we think it means it’s the end of the relationship. If some people hope that the other will regret their choice or that life will bring them together one day, breaking up generally sounds like a definitive end. But is this really the case?

We have all been in this situation, or known someone who was in this situation, where we regret the past relationship. We miss our former partner, the feelings resurface, we miss the relationship, we convince ourselves that we are meant to be together and that the breakup was a mistake. While the reasons for the first breakup were completely valid, why do we tend to persist?

These reasons that make you return to your ex

“Reviving an old flame is not a bad decision in itself,” recognizes Katherine Cullen, psychotherapist, for Psychology Today. But it can make things complicated when you’re convinced that this person isn’t ‘the one’. » We know, the heart has its reasons that reason ignores, but there are times when you have to reason. Why do we persist with someone who doesn’t do us any good? In a story that has no future?

There are indeed psychological processes that push us to return to our ex. The first is linked to the reward system. “When we fall in love, the brain centers involved in detecting reward, motivation and pleasure become highly engaged and flooded with dopamine,” explains Katherine Cullen. This phenomenon pushes you to repeat the behaviors that are associated with these reactions and therefore to return to this person. Returning to this couple also allows you to escape the discomfort of loneliness and the pain of separation. Finally, when the breakup occurs after several years spent together or you have an anxious attachment style, it can be accompanied by a feeling of losing a part of yourself.

Know when a relationship is definitely over

Whether you like it or not, breaking up is arrived for a reason. The separation may have become inevitable because of betrayal, lack of feelings, different visions or even recurring conflicts. It is indeed possible that after a certain amount of time spent apart, renewal within the relationship is possible. But it is also possible that this new attempt will bring you more suffering.

“Some people confuse missing someone with wanting to get back together,” says mental health writer Barbara Field. Very Well Mind. To take stock of this decision and know if it is the right one, the expert gives four reasons why getting back together is a mistake:

• Trust has been broken.
• Communication is not working.
• Attraction takes precedence over love.
• The bond of friendship has disappeared.