Do you have “Rebecca syndrome”? (It can destroy your relationship)

In a relationship, it’s normal to feel a pang of jealousy on occasion. But what to do when this jealousy is not aimed at the present, but at the past? “Rebecca syndrome” is inspired by the novel of the same name by Daphné du Maurier.

It describes this dynamic where a partner’s exes become a source of anxiety and insecurity. Understanding the origins of this emotion can help you remedy it and strengthen your relationship.

The emotional roots

“Rebecca syndrome” is characterized by an obsession with your partner’s past relationships. You compare yourself to his exes, imagining them to be more attractive, talented or close to him/her than you are.

This syndrome is not directly linked to the current partner, but often finds its origins in childhood or past relationships. Experiences such as rejection or lack of parental attention can condition an individual to fear abandonment or loss. “Although these initial problems are unique to each of us, they may, for example, be linked to the fact that we felt neglected by a parent who preferred one of our siblings over us” said Toby Ingham, psychotherapist at Dailymail.

The consequences on the couple

The impact on the relationship can be devastating: frequent arguments, increased distrust and mutual dissatisfaction. By dwelling on the past, we end up neglecting the present, thus compromising the quality of the relationship.

This feeling, although irrational, can cause tension in the couple, fueled by low self-esteem and unfounded fears.

How to overcome “Rebecca syndrome”?

Share your concerns with your partner openly, without accusing. Also listen to their feelings to strengthen mutual trust. Take time to reflect on your own emotional wounds. Working on yourself, with the help of a therapist if necessary, can ease these fears.

Remember that your partner chose you. Value your current relationship instead of revisiting memories that no longer matter. Cut the habit of digging through photos or posts related to your partner’s exes. This fuels your anxiety unnecessarily. And if these feelings persist, a therapist can help you explore their origins and develop strategies to manage them.