How to reconcile with your past?
“Essentially, we carry, from generation to generation, models of thought and behavior inherited from our ancestors. Without us being fully aware of it, these patterns have a profound impact on our lives, ”says Daniela Silva Moura, clinical psychologist, doctor in psychiatry at the university, and author. The better I know myself, the better I take care of myself (Le Courrier du Livre, 2024). Sometimes for the better. But not always, when limiting beliefs, emotional reactivity or repetitive scenarios occur. prove disastrousHowever, there is no need to wallow in fatalism or resentment. “It’s about recognizing that it all makes us who we are. But at the same time, one must take responsibility for oneself as adults and choose to maintain it or overcome it, nurture it without suffering or end it with confidence,” explains the psychologist. Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre wrote, “The important thing is not what is done to us, but what we ourselves do with what has been done to us.”
Understanding our heritage, celebrating this transference, but freeing ourselves of what is not ours, is the beneficial pruning we will achieve. To carry in our many suitcasesTo lighten our mood, we need to identify what makes us happy and energizes us, but also what holds us back or makes us suffer. And to do this, one must get to the heart of our history: first, of course, by exploring our present; Then going back to the past, to childhood; And finally, if the mystery remains, by digging into the experiences of our ancestors, our parents, their brothers and sisters, or our grandparents, distant ancestors.
a gift in effect
The beginning of investigation involves introspection. And this requires a good knowledge of oneself: our needs (freedom, security), our limits (what I can accept and what is uncomfortable, painful), our desires (what is important? What do I want to achieve?) Today. believes this questioning yourself about your values“The best way to recognize them is to focus our attention on our physical and emotional manifestations,” explains Daniela Silva Moura. For example, if work is at the center of our existence, if effort has always been praised in our family, let’s ask ourselves what we feel when we are at work. » If this is pride, then we should congratulate ourselves for this inheritance instead of complaining that we do not have even a minute for ourselves; On the contrary, welcoming this value that comes from afar means making it our own and transmitting its best aspects.
On the other hand, if we experience discomfort, if work tires us, if we always feel the rush to do more, there is a discrepancyThen again, the goal isn’t to ruin everything by resigning. The psychologist adds, “It is not necessarily a question of being where we want to be, but of reducing this feeling of discrepancy, as much as what would be appropriate for us, depending on the context and our constraints.” It’s a question of getting back as close as possible.” For example, we can play more sports, give ourselves time to rest, or write down the reasons why we work so much. Acting accordingly and no longer being based on any habit or tradition will give more meaning to our existence.
our childhood experiences
If, at present, nothing really seems incongruous, but we still feel a little alien to ourselves, it is interesting to “trace back to earlier generations with whom we grew up.” What messages have we heard? What models did we have? Which memories have left their mark on us? What allegations have been made against us, including silently? To make our mother laugh? To glorify our Father? To look after a cadet? To be successful? To repair? » asks Chantal Rodet, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and lecturer at the University of Lumière-Lyon-II. The idea here is not to accuse someone but to identify Who gave birth to such a currency?“The symbolic places and roles we are given contribute to our sense of identity, and thus they define us,” she says. This is why it is complicated to let go, to overcome our unconscious loyalties. ,
For example, we may blame our father for betraying our mother, and we had no choice but to form an alliance with him. Which inevitably takes a toll on our current emotional relationships. However, these choices of the past do not concern us! “Forgiving is always liberating,” suggests Daniela Silva Moura. But forgiveness should not be confused with acceptance of something that is unacceptable in our eyes. It’s very different: it’s about recognizing inadequacy here, incompetence there, and incompetence to parent in a general sense. » Because this is often the only way to get rid of destructive grudges.
experiences of our ancestors
If the pain persists without an identified source, you need to dig deeper. And why not create a “genosociogram”, a term used by psychologist Anne Anselin Schützenberger to define the representation (sociogram) of family relationships (genealogy). “It is a relevant approach,” Chantal Rodet confirms, “because it allows us to uncover relationships across several generations. » Like detectives, we have to find out what we can do by interviewing our family members or searching through archives, A certain number of elements must be identified: the surnames and first names of our ancestors, their dates of birth and death, marriages and separations, accidents, illnesses, migrations, etc. Daniela Silva Moura says, “Coincidences often take three generations to reveal a possible recurrence in our lineage: a symbolic date, for example, a similar first name, a common destiny.”
We can then hypothesize to understand how such an event or character would play out. was able to influence an area of our livesLike this famous relationship with work… “What could have made us at odds with ourselves? Question again to Chantal Rodet. However, be careful: it is not easy to engage in this investigative work that shakes up patterns, questions silences and what remains unsaid, and can get us into difficulty with our family. Psychological help will be useful. » A psychological approach, but techniques such as EMDR, life cycle integration, hypnosis or family constellations will allow us to question the impact of these hypotheses, the way they resonate inside us in the present. To better illuminate our future.