The 4 most toxic lies for a couple

In lying, it’s all a question of perception. While obviously keeping quiet about infidelity is widely considered as such, for some of us, the simple fact of not sharing information, even trivial ones, can be experienced as a lie.

Certain stories that we tell ourselves or our partner, although often used to avoid conflicts, can weaken intimacy and create deep misunderstandings. In a article published on Psychology Today, Jeffrey Bernstein, psychologist and specialist in marital relations, warns against these thoughts which, in the long term, can lead to a breakup.

1. “I’m fine”

Saying you’re fine when you’re not is one of the most common lies among couples. Often used to avoid confrontations or not to worry the other person, this false appeasement on the contrary creates an emotional gap.

By hiding our true feelings, we prevent others from understanding what we are going through, which, ultimately, generates frustration and distance. According to Jeffrey Bernstein, showing vulnerability is essential to fostering true connection and maintaining intimacy in the relationship.

2. “It’s not a big deal”

Minimizing your concerns so as not to disturb the harmony of the couple is another form of lying. This reflex, often dictated by the fear of appearing vulnerable or disturbing, ends up eroding self-esteem and creating an imbalance in the relationship.

What initially seemed like a small concern gradually turns into a bigger problem, generating resentment and unnecessary tension. For the specialist, it is crucial to address even small frustrations, as they often reveal deeper needs.

3. “I can change him/her”

Many people fall into the trap of believing that they can change their partner over time. This illusion, although fueled by good intentions, often leads to disappointment and frustration.

As Jeffrey Bernstein explains, change can only come from the person themselves, not from their partner’s expectations. Convincing yourself that you can transform another person means being in love with an idealized version of that person, and not who they really are.

4. “We don’t need to talk about this”

The idea that certain topics can be ignored or left aside is another destructive lie. Hoping that time will resolve problems without addressing them openly is a mistake. In reality, avoiding difficult discussions only worsens the emotional distance between partners.

Communication is the backbone of any successful relationship, and without it, unresolved issues don’t go away, they build up and eventually explode. As Bernstein points out, it’s crucial to always address sensitive topics to prevent them from rotting in silence.

What to do to avoid lying as a couple?

If you are confronted with these four lies, or if you unconsciously formulate them yourself, the ideal is to take stock with your partner. What, for you, absolutely must be revealed? What can you, on the contrary, consider to be part of your secret garden? These questions can help you see things more clearly.

Also, not all truths are good to tell. Maybe your partner doesn’t want to know that you had an erotic dream that he wasn’t a part of? Perhaps, for reasons of your own, you don’t want to tell him about it.