These 7 behaviors are indicative of superior relational intelligence

It has become a discipline, a box to check on a CV, a tool which, particularly in the world of work, can border on manipulation. But originally, and in our everyday life, “it is quite simply the ability to communicate, to enter into a relationship with another by being able to adopt their point of view, summarizes Pierre Cauvin, coach, author with Geneviève Cailloux of Intelligence of oneself… and of others (InterÉditions, 2014).

This does not mean agreeing, but being able to understand him, to get on his wavelength. Relational intelligence is both a capacity for empathy and distance. It requires being with yourself and with others at the same time. And therefore relies, above all, on self-intelligence. »

1. You are clear with yourself

Understanding the other, in their otherness, begins with knowing your personal filters, your own operating keys. Without this, the mechanism of projection continues to operate. The typological approach, inspired by Jungian practice, can be an excellent tool. It allows us to become aware of the different voices that speak inside each person, to identify their parts of shadow and light, which makes us more open and more tolerant towards others, whose similarities we learn to identify and to better accept differences.

Try this practical exercise: when faced with a difficult decision, give voice to each of your “sub-personalities” to defend the pros and cons, changing places, physically, each time. You thus measure your inner biodiversity, and explore perceptions, feelings, reactions that you share with others. This effort to understand the mechanisms of the psyche allows us to be less surprised. e – or scared. e -by “the other” and to enter into relationships more easily.

2. You know how to listen

Particularly when there is a difference of opinion, it can be difficult to hear what the other person has to say. To develop your ear, practice reformulating. Rule of the game: you let the interlocutor express themselves, then you repeat what the person has just expressed, without judgment, really trying to put yourself in their place.

This in no way means that you agree, but that you are capable of understanding, and above all of listening, of taking into consideration the other in the extent of their complexity. Sometimes, if you sincerely and honestly rephrase the words of someone with whom you are in conflict, half of the problems disappear. Quite simply because you understood each other.

3. You are open to culture

As a reader or spectator – you can also practice theater – you increase the opportunities for encounters: you discover different personalities, emotions, reactions. You step into the shoes of the awful and the very good, without judging them. You try to understand the characters, even those furthest from your nature.

A good workout to decenter yourself and develop your knowledge of the twists and turns of the human soul, especially if you don’t want to practice the exercise with your colleagues or your next-door neighbor.

4. Identify your enmities

A good exercise to improve your relationships is to observe people who annoy you. Why do they annoy you? Often, like those elsewhere whom you admire desperately, these are people who do well or easily something that is difficult for you. What do they have that you think they don’t have? What fragilities, what personal deficiencies do they refer you to?

“If the landscape seems ugly to you, it may be your eye that is bad,” said Prévert. When you identify what is happening inside you, the other, often used as a portmanteau for your own inner states, is suddenly much less irritating. Another exercise: with the third unpleasant person you meet in the morning, ask yourself if all these people are also odious or if you are not projecting fatigue, irritation onto them… That’s it too, “human intelligence”.

5. You don’t want to change those around you

This is part of the basics of relational intelligence. Another is not there to meet your expectations, and vice versa. But if you are not satisfied. e, you can always change something in the relationship, by changing your behavior yourself.

Even if it’s awkward, changing your side of the interaction is bound to end up changing something about the other person.

6. You don’t pretend

Being as close as possible to who you are, what you do and what you feel makes communication easier. It’s not about systematically exposing or explaining your feelings, but at least being aware of them. Without this sincerity (with yourself), the relationship is not possible. Feigning or overplaying interest in others, listening, kindness, it doesn’t work. These are commercial or political techniques.

It’s the energy sent that counts, the congruence between what you say and what you are. Do you really believe it? Does it matter? What your look, tone and delivery of your voice express says more to your interlocutor than your sentences. He will always believe the non-verbal more than the words and will pick up the slightest discordance. It should not be underestimated.

7. You accept that you are not right

This is one of the great principles for truly communicating. Terribly difficult but infinitely rewarding. What if, by dint of understanding the other, you thought “He is (partly) right”? What if the other changed you?

You may, like many, have great resistance to this idea, but this is the strength of relational intelligence: becoming aware not only that the other is not a threat, but that they can even become a threat. chance of evolution, development.