These are childhood traumas that are passed on from one generation to the next.
Caroline Thompson is a Doctor of Psychology, essayist and psychoanalyst. She practices family medicine in the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at the Pitié-Salpêtrière Hospital in Paris.
he published an essay violence of love (Hachette Literature, 2006) and contributed to two works published by PUF in 2002: move and limit states at Sensory Life Clinicencounter.
Psychology: How would you define transmission?
Caroline Thompson: Transmission is what passes from one generation to the next through different channels: conscious, unconscious, emotional, of course with the inheritance dimension. Obviously there are questions of money, but there is also a lot of symbolism around objects carrying memories. Conscious transmission is also related to the values we want to communicate, even if the latter are often implicit. And then, there is everything that is transmitted in spite of us and that we forget: emotional and affective transmission.
In family therapy, it is very interesting to see how concerns and differences are “passed” from one generation to the next. We see parents who come for counseling about a child’s disorders and we realize that the child’s symptoms are often expressions of emotions and anxieties that run through the family. I think we also inherit an emotional style. Some family cultures are very warm-hearted; The specialty of others is their coldness. Some families gather for large meals where there is a question of sharing, politics, family business, recipes, in any case… This question of style is really very important: of the emotional culture of the family, of the relationships between members. Style is very important important element to understand…
What do we get from our parents?
whistle : I’m going to quote you a poem by a great English poet of the 20th century century that I really like, Philip Larkin, and which summarizes my answer perfectly: “They fuck you, your mom and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They tell you all their mistakes, and add some extras for you. ,
To summarize, I would say that our parents turn our heads, give us all their mistakes, and add a few only for us. The word “get” is still a positive word. But we don’t all get the same things. It all depends on the parents. We inherit family history, whether we know it or not. The question arises to what extent do we free ourselves from it, to what extent do we connect with this story, to what extent does it define us.
Is it that the more unconsciously it is acquired, the more difficult it will be for us to get rid of it?
whistle : It is certain that it is very difficult to be able to face something that has no outline, that is not said. There are also situations where adults know but don’t speak. Stories of exile, genocide, incest, children born to other parents, etc. Silent but spread across generations.
It’s very powerful when there’s a ghost in the room and we don’t really know what we’re fighting against. It is the energy devoted to maintaining the secret that then leaves silent pain. But mostly, we know something about it without being told, because ultimately it is very rare that nothing is known. And this story has an impact.
Do you think family secrets should be revealed? Do they play any role in growth, in choices, in development, in child neurosis?
whistle : I would like to answer positively. For example, I think children should go to cemeteries, funerals, and it’s much easier for them than being left at home, suddenly seeing someone disappear and seeing everyone being sad.
Rather, it is in our best interest to say things early, early enough. The question to ask is: Why would parents tell themselves that it is better not to tell their child? What inspires it? In most cases, this is for the child’s safety but, paradoxically, it harms them.
So can it have the opposite effect?
whistle : Many things done in the name of protecting children have the opposite effect. I often have patients who ask: “Should I tell my child that he or she was born through surrogacy?” , “Do I tell my child that it was not my sperm? , “Should I tell my child he is adopted? » These are questions that are directly related to the child.
My position is that this is part of their story and the sooner it is told, the more they know about it, the easier it will be for them. The impact of the revelation is very difficult to bear, as the child may feel that he has been lied to. If, from the age of 3, parents say to their child: “We went to this place to find you. You were a child, etc. », it is part of its history and its creation.
Does the question of transmission arise differently in same-sex parents, single-parent families, or people who use surrogacy?
whistle : I don’t understand why this would be any different. In any case, use the words of psychologist Paul Watzlawick: “We cannot communicate”, “We cannot transmit.” » New families, as they say, are families that are more eager to live in the traditional model than some other families: they will create rituals more often, with grandparents, uncles, aunts or pseudo uncles and aunts. Will remain in transgenerational link. Who Are Friends… The broadcast may take place in another context but it is definitely present.
I am very impressed by the organization of families today where every weekend, instead of staying at home, children participate in activities, for example, preparing meals with adults. These are important moments of sharing and therefore broadcasting. Our society places children at the center of our lives, while trying to separate their existence from that of adults, incorporating them into the lives of their parents, rather than integrating them into the rhythms of the family. This gives rise to many educational problems.
How many generations are involved in familial transmission?
whistle : In the 1980s, when I was studying, we were told it took three generations to become a psychopath. I would in any case say that at least three generations are concerned with the question of transmission. In family therapy, in France, we work with the nucleus of what we call the nuclear family, that is, parent-child. But I remember that for Maurizio Andolfi, a figure in Italian family therapy, it was unthinkable not to bring grandparents to sessions.
In France, when we offer to bring their parents, it is often very delicate and complicated, because the parents feel deprived. They often only consider the bottom line: their relationships with their children; But very rarely the top floor: their relationships with their parents and the children’s relationships with their four grandparents. However, they play a very important role and can transmit very positive elements.
Why ?
whistle : There is no need to free yourself from your grandparents. To use analytical terminology, unlike parents, grandparents are not the first objects of our love. We don’t need to separate ourselves from it to move forward. Which makes for a peaceful relationship and attachment, unless of course the grandparents become toxic. But generally it’s a relationship that I find wonderful. This bypasses the more conflictual, simmering parts of the relationship with parents. And then, the grandparents witnessed the parents’ childhood. In the case of complicated teenagers, I find it very interesting to be able to talk to their grandparents about the teenager, about their parents’ child.
This is always instructive because children or teens have a lot of difficulty reaching out to their parents as a child or teen. And parents have difficulty showing them this. Through grandparents, words and actions can be trivialized, with adults introducing a new perspective: “Ah yes, your dad told you this, but really, maybe it’s because This or that happened to them at your age…” This is not at all an attempt to destroy parental authority. It is a way of recontextualizing things, integrating them into a temporal process with growth and development.
Does transmission between siblings occur in the same way from one child to another or not at all?
whistle : It’s all or nothing. Some elements are shared. The other, I would say, is more specifically given to both. To put it another way, I think it’s very difficult for parents not to distribute roles among siblings, in a certain way. Of course, this often happens unconsciously. A patient with brilliant literary studies told me that, when she was young, she was considered an intellectual and her brother an artist. The latter became director, while she became a university professor and researcher. Both children were highly valued by their parents: there was not one “bad” and one “good.” When my patient told his mother about it, she was very surprised. He never thought about it.
These are roles that can be assigned to children, but they have a common base. And when this foundation is solid then brothers and sisters get along well with each other. Even after separation, the bond between siblings depends largely on how well the parents were able to create a family environment without isolating the children too much, without assigning them one role or another . One of the most desirable and important points in transmission is that the parents agree on what they want to transmit, on the method of education, and that they have developed parental solidarity. This is what will also allow us to develop solidarity and fellowship between children of the same siblings.