These things to keep in mind before cutting ties with your family
Society would have us believe that, unlike all other relationships, family is bonded for life. The bond of blood, stronger than anything, sometimes leads one to believe that everything must be accepted as a family and never question what binds us. However, in certain dysfunctional families, there comes a time when, for one’s personal development and that of a future family, one must know how to cut ties.
“You can be grateful to your family for having given birth to you, they are your parents. However, not all parents are parents,” recalls Marine Colombel, psychiatrist, in her column. But before making this radical and most of the time definitive decision, it is imperative to prepare well.
Knowing when to break up with your family
There are several reasons for considering family breakdown. Toxic dynamics, financial pressure, psychological, physical abuse, political, religious, cultural differences… Whatever the reasons that would make you leave your family environment, they are specific to you, but must be well thought out. “For a lot of people, when they get to that point, they don’t always feel like it’s a choice,” says trauma therapist Alice Zic. Very Well Mind. I think it’s almost like it’s something they have to do to preserve themselves. »
“If you have had the feeling since your childhood of being the black sheep, the negative object of the family, you have no obligation to accept this place,” continues Marine Colombel. When you feel that despite your developments, despite your efforts, the family is not capable of changing your bad role, the only way to free yourself and flourish is to leave. » Generally speaking, when you see breaking up as the only remaining option for your own good, or even your preservation, it is becauseit’s time to make a decision.
Understanding the issues of family breakdown
Once you have made your decision, it remains imperative to prepare well. “Moving away from them can bring up a number of feelings, including grief, which is the pain of what was,” says clinical psychologist Patricia Dixon. Very Well Mind. In a way, it’s not even grief for what was, but grief for what you thought the relationship would be. » Please note that if only a definitive breakup is most often considered, it is possible to take a break. To do this, you must notify your family and establish clear expectations regarding a potential reconciliation, assures therapist Nedra Tawwab in her book on the subject taken up by Self.
Despite your will and determination to break up, this does not mean that following this decision will be easy and, above all, quick. Fear of being alone, comfort with the status quo, low self-esteem, feelings of guilt or financial reasons can hold you back, psychologist Michele Goldman lists for Parents. Furthermore, cutting ties with your family should not mean that you find yourself alone. You can choose to be accompanied by a mental health professional to be sure you know how to go about it, how to deal with it and how to manage afterwards. Finally, start a family breakup does not mean no longer having a family. “Sometimes, your home is not made up of blood ties but of friendly ties which become your real heart family,” writes Marine Colombel. We don’t break up with YOUR family but with ONE family. His new family unit can then develop far from the toxic patterns known in childhood. »