This mistake we all make in our search for love
If the enthusiasm of adolescence has sometimes confined us to very, even too, precise physical criteria, as we experience this vast market that is love, we develop somewhat deeper expectations. Exit the big dark brown to focus on ambitious, funny, intelligent, empathetic, reassuring people…
Formed through our experiences, our disappointments and our personal development, our “type” of potential partner gives us the impression to work for our romantic success. However, searching desperately for a type could well be counterproductive.
Having a “type”: a barrier to love?
In love, it is important to have criteria. Looking for certain qualities in others also means ensuring that you respect their needs and desires and put all the chances on your side. to find a compatible partner. But it also happens that our type prevents us from truly finding a fulfilling and lasting relationship. For starters, looking for certain qualities and liking them doesn’t necessarily mean they will be compatible with you. “If you have developed a certain type of person who is obviously incompatible with you, but you continue to impose it, you will always get the same results,” assures Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, professor of relational and sexual communication, at Women’s Health. The expert gives the example of looking for an ambitious partner who will not necessarily have the time to invest in the relationship or an adventurous one who will not necessarily have the keys to building a solid relationship.
Being too rigid about your criteria can prevent you from seeing what would suit you or blind you to a relationship that doesn’t work. “When you meet someone who seems to match all the characteristics you’re looking for, you want it to work so badly that you risk overvaluing that person,” warns clinical psychologist Betsy Chung. Women’s Health. Clinging to a type also means taking the risk of disconnecting from yourself and obscuring the depth of a connection.
Finding your true type of partner
“By limiting ourselves to a small sample of the population that fits our ideal, we miss out on other growth-oriented relationships that could challenge us, reveal new facets of our personality and allow us to access new levels of intimacy,” says Julie Nguyen, relationship coach, for Very Well Mind. However, the expert assures that our “type” remains important, but that it is rare that our person corresponds exactly to what we had imagined.
The coach invites us to go beyond what we think are our criteria to discover your “real type”. To do this, she advises several attitudes to adopt:
- Date new people who don’t match your criteria.
- Ask people you trust for their opinions. Friends often see patterns in your love life that you may not see.
- Write a whole new list of your types including how you want to feel around them, how you want to be seen by them, and the healthiest version of a relationship you can imagine.
- Have fun on your dates.
- Practice mindfulness by paying attention to who you are attracted to and why they are attracted to them.
- Review your conditions sine qua non.
- Work on your attachment style.