For your well-being, should you stop complaining?

We often talk about those who see the glass half empty, always expect the worst and have a tendency towards pessimism. But alongside those who always envisage the worst scenarios, there are also those to whom these scenarios seem to happen. In any case, there are people who can’t help but complain continuously.

We all know that friend, colleague or uncle who always gets into trouble or at least always finds something to complain about. Whether rightly or wrongly, can constant complaining impact our mental health?

Why do we want to complain?

“Complaining involves the verbal expression of our pain, discomfort or grievances,” explains psychotherapist Lauren Farina. Very Well Mind. In moderate doses, complaining provides an emotional release, offering us relief from the stressful effects of emotional repression. As such, it can help reduce feelings of stress. » Complaining is a way of externalizing what we cannot keep inside ourselves at the risk of ruminating, cultivating negative emotions and, ultimately, not being able to move on. Beyond this self-interest, the fact of complaining also participates in a certain way in telling our story. We seek to create connections and stimulate empathy in others. Complaining is more accessible than sharing your emotions directly. Through complaint, we respond to the human need to be seen, heard and understood on a deeper level, without having to be too vulnerable.

Furthermore, complaining is linked to our evolution. “Our need to recognize and explain potential dangers or challenges in our environment has shaped this behavior,” recalls Mary Poffenroth, doctor of behavioral neuroscience, for Very Well Mind. The survival of the human species and social cooperation throughout the history of our species depend essentially on our ability to express our discontent. »

Finding the right balance to complain

“Yes, it’s okay to complain, yes, it’s bad to complain, and yes, there is a right way to do it,” says Robin Kowalski, professor of psychology, at New York Times. In other words, complaining is not bad in itselfon the contrary, but you have to find the right balance. Complaining to others helps us assimilate our emotions, create connections and responds to a natural need. However, it should not be abused. When we ruminate on a negative experience or emotion, talking about it can reinforce this negativity and lead to catastrophism and pessimism.

In addition to the vicious cycle of negativity, compulsive complaining can also have the opposite effect on our relationships than expected. “When a person is perceived as someone who constantly complains, others may not be interested,” warns William Berry, psychotherapist, for Psychology Today. It is therefore important to remain attentive to the frequency of our complaints, their duration and, above all, their value. Are we right to complain? “Sometimes hearing yourself vent allows the speaker to hear themselves and realize that the complaint may not be so serious,” he admits. Before complaining, the psychotherapist invites you to question what motivates us to do so. Do I feel the need to be validated? To connect with others? Do I need to vent to get feedback, to release negative emotions, or to listen to myself and realize it’s not that bad?