3 unconscious needs that are hidden in the gifts you give

At the beginning of the last century, ethnographer Marcel Mauss made an important discovery: in the Maori language, gifts have a soul. Mind, spiritual essence of the donor, but also it, The feeling of the proposed object. “In a hypersocial society, which multiplies the opportunities for gift giving, it is not easy to preserve the full meaning of a gift,” says Cécile Desmazières-Burley, associate professor of social sciences, clinical psychologist in a hospital environment. Is.” Not giving gifts leads to exclusion from social games. There are situations (farewells, funerals) where it answers an obligation, an agreement, and must rather be collective and all-purpose. ,

For birthdays or holidays, for convenience or efficiency, we may be tempted to slip a check into an envelope or give a gift “to the list.” Psychologists lament, “Then pleasure is one-sided.” “True” present means bringing the other into existence as a unique person, listening to their wants and needs… without erasing yourself. It is a tribute to the relationship, an emotional nourishment that symbolizes the bond. »Between those who plan months in advance and others who enter the store first, not everyone has the same stakes… at first glance!

1. Fear of getting involved

“Boat” gifts (candle, box of chocolates) may reflect anxiety about being distant in the relationship, fear of exposing oneself or making a mistake, our expert explains. The same applies for presentation. Theoretically a beautiful package reflects our care given to the recipient, our concern to make them happy, while a simple paper bag or a sheet of newspaper may reveal an appearance of carelessness. It is not that easy. Out of modesty or embarrassment, we may deface the packaging to try to reduce the emotional charge of the content. When some people shy away from giving their gifts away or minimize their purchases (“It’s not much”, “You probably already have it”), it may come from this unconscious logic. ,

Of course, gifts may also be given reluctantly, or simply sent hastily. In any case, giving an offering is always an important act, even if we reject it.

2. Odds Risk

In theory, shared happiness should be the only reason for a gift, which is considered a generous gesture. However, it can be poisonous, like the apple that the witch gives to Snow White! It’s hard to admit, but there’s no such thing as selfless love!

“Our feelings are always ambiguous,” explains Cécile Desmazières-Burley. “This is the lesson of the failed gift, which forces us to look at a part of us that we do not always acknowledge: jealousy (too big pajamas ” this is yours For good”), or even to overpower or humiliate him. » Beware of “for laughs” gifts (leopard underwear, etc.), which may inadvertently express resentment and aggression.

3. Need for common rules

So gifts are an area on which a lot of unconscious play takes place. We understand that this is a difficult task for some people! We can simplify our lives with a specific “gift voucher” (bookstore, cosmetics) or by participating in a suggestive collective gift for everyone, such as a ski weekend in memory of the good times spent together on the slopes. If we are close, a little “fair” financially or allergic to consumerism, a service (assembly of shelves, transfer to the airport), a shared moment (concert tickets) or a “homemade” gift ( jams, mix of photos). ) will hit the target! “Be careful with surprise gifts, too,” warns Cécile Desmazières-Burley. While some people are happy with a little attention, others find it difficult to receive unexpected material, or a gift when they were not expecting it. Still others will need a surprise that almost hits the nail on the head! ,

That is why, according to our expert, it is desirable to be able to discuss this topic with people close to you. Especially for family celebrations: what kind of gift, how much, what amount, when to give? “In blended families, it’s worth asking the question of whether or not to give a personalized gift to another’s child,” she emphasizes. The whole challenge is to invent rules that are suitable for everyone and are like ours. »To de-stress or… avoid last minute no-shows!