This is what you should say to someone who is suffering
Calimero is not easy to deal with. There is a real problem hidden behind his constant whining and sometimes annoying sensitivity. He sometimes feels incompetent, sometimes childish, and continues to tirelessly condemn the injustice of which he is a victim. But listening to it, we also risk feeling this infectious resentment.
How can we respond to the eternal demands of these long-term victims? Psychoanalyst Saverio Tomasella has written a book about it Calimero Syndrome (Albin Mitchell). “Callimeros especially need to hear that their suffering is recognized,” the expert explains. In some people, there is sometimes a kind of complacency that is characterized by a lack of effort or a kind of laziness and which involves letting the situation worsen in order to continue complaining. Ultimately, a minority takes pleasure in suffering or draws attention to it. » Regardless, learning how to respond to harassment can protect us and keep the situation from getting worse.
Where do these endless complaints come from?
From mythology to modern societies, rebellion in the search for justice has always been a characteristic of humanity. Stendhal believed that rebellion could solve the injustice of the human condition. Because outrage, according to Camus, would be the only way to overcome the absurd. He said, “I rebel, therefore we are.” But what about those personalities who constantly question their existence? Apart from ruining their lives, these constant moaning spoils the atmosphere and exhausts the people around them. Saverio Tomasella explains, “Calling out what is wrong is a natural and intuitive behavior for them, a habit that aims to be generous, even altruistic.” But this tendency to see the glass half empty resonates differently with those close to them, who sometimes feel responsible for these Calimeros’ misfortunes.
“In the end, they exhaust those who are eyewitnesses and leave them helpless, helpless, powerless. », says the expert, who advises to understand the origins of the complaint. So it’s important not to spontaneously say “Stop complaining!” »But try to understand the root of this feeling of failure. “Complaints have meaning and a purpose, whether conscious or not: they want to draw others’ attention to a dysfunction, share their discomfort or concern, protect rights or values,” the expert explains. ”
How to respond to Calimero
Once we understand their intentions, psychoanalysts recommend not complicating the situation by making it more dramatic. To do this we must react as little as possible. Responding negatively to someone who has a tendency to victimize themselves may seem like a new injustice. When she expresses her suffering, she enters into a process of repeating her complaint and if we make fun of this person, we risk actually strengthening her tendency to whine, warns Saverio Tomasella. Are.
“However, it is also important to calmly inform them that their complaints are numerous and regular, and above all they have an adverse impact. They don’t realize it, and happily pretend they say it “like that”. » Understand that even though they express their problems clearly, they do not expect us to give them any concrete solutions, but rather to listen to them carefully.